Trashy Black Girl Shakes Her Stuff, Trashy Mulato Girl Shakes Her Stuff, Trashy White Girl Shakes Her Stuff, Equal Rights Prostitute Shakes Her Stuff, Nondescript Retarded Female Audience Go Woo-hoo!, Nondescript Retarded Male Audience Caress Their Penises, What a Bunch of Crap.

Worst… Scheisse… in a Long Time…

At the moment, I’m posting some old rants, reviews and the likes to my blog. Some of the stuff has just been lying around on different computers and desktops, some of it has been posted online, some has even been banned online (damn that dirty mouth of mine!), but whether it’s interesting or not, well… You be the judge

Here’s one I originally posted on IMDb on September 20, 2008. At the time of writing, it’s still there, but you never know when some “user” will take offense and call it “abuse”, so here it is again:

This one definitely belongs on Failblog.

I seem to have the diametrically opposite opinion as some other commenters in here, in that where Ang Lee succeeded in the previous Hulk movie attempt in actually creating characters for us to like, no such attempt is made in this movie, and thus we couldn’t care less about the white, black, yellow, and green characters on the screen.

Apparently, the team here decided to totally ignore the previous installment of Hulk, both by changing the title from Hulk 2 to The Incredible Hulk, and by ignoring the story that precedes this installment. So, basically, we’re starting from scratch. Let’s see.

“We must explain how the characters know each other, why they’re supposedly in love, why they hate what and who they hate, etc., let’s get that over with during the opening credits.” Fail.

“If we cut the fundings for CGI effects, we’ll have more money for marketing!” Fail.

“‘Wroooarrara Roowowoaraaa Wrrraaaahh’ makes for good dialogue.” Fail.

“The Hulk smashes things, so the point of the story must be to smash things.” Fail.

And this last point is exactly why Ang Lee got it right. I can understand if some people who left their trailer homes with Oprah ranting on the television would find it hard to have to endure in excess of an hour being fed plot and character construction before the Hulk finally gets around to throwing around tanks and soldiers, but that’s exactly what’s needed to makes an over-sized angry Apache helicopter smashing green guy become recognizable and worthy of empathy, and not just some joke character worthy of pity laughs. Which is what happens in this second Hulk movie.

Ang Lee’s Hulk worked because of this, Spider-Man works because of this, Iron Man to some degree also, but this? This? This is just awful. You hate the characters on screen, each and every one of them, because they didn’t earn your caring. I find myself mentally responding to Tyler’s “Nooo!”s with, “Why don’t you just shut up?!”, and The Hulk’s “Hulk smash!” with, “We knooow, why not try something else instead?” I’m sorry, but bad CGI and smashing stuff, including the army firing miniguns from choppers at residential buildings in downtown Manhattan (what the fuck’s that about?) just doesn’t make a good movie. It makes for audience disrespect.

At the moment, I’m posting some old rants, reviews and the likes to my blog. Some of the stuff has just been lying around on different computers and desktops, some of it has been posted online, some has even been banned online (damn that dirty mouth of mine!), but whether it’s interesting or not, well… You be the judge

Here’s one I originally posted on IMDb on July 15, 2007. At the time of writing, it’s still there, but you never know when some “user” will take offense and call it “abuse”, so here it is again:

Had to stop this at 60 minutes in when they used Apple’s iVideo or whatever it’s called to turn a downloaded harmless video from 30 years ago into a completely different snuff video using an encoded song from 30 years ago. I know Apple make good software, but COME ON! And that’s just one of the numerous technical mistakes they make. This whole film’s plot is based on one factual error after another on audio production. If you know nothing about computers and music, this might turn out to be quite a fantastic thrill, otherwise it’s sure to tick you off. Plus, nothing’s yet happened, with 25 minutes to go. Nothing. Very stylish, completely empty.

At the moment, I’m posting some old rants, reviews and the likes to my blog. Some of the stuff has just been lying around on different computers and desktops, some of it has been posted online, some has even been banned online (damn that dirty mouth of mine!), but whether it’s interesting or not, well… You be the judge

Here’s one I originally posted on IMDb on July 12, 2007. At the time of writing, it’s still there, but you never know when some “user” will take offense and call it “abuse”, so here it is again:

This is the kind of movie that gets you to actually register here to voice your dismay.

Why? Because it has everything going right from the start; blueish, ominous, still (as in grave) footage, something-bad-is-going-to-happen atmos, and a great character and story buildup.

Problem is, the story being built up is not a horror story, it’s a romantic one, or even a romantic comedy. These people obviously have never understood horror movies, it’s like watching something out of the 70s or early 80s once the “action” gets going. Mix in 21st century character writing and great acting with clichéd and excessively overused and non-scary 70s style horror moments, you’ve got the essence of this movie.

The story would be great if it were not for the sudden shift from the romantic theme to the horror one. But, then again, this is supposed to be a horror movie. And, if you’re a different kind of screen writer, what do you do? You ask some horror buff about what’s scary, because you’ve got all this storyline built up, but it’s just not scary yet.

So, the mate says, “put it some ghosts, they’re scary,” and “something about dead people with a vengeance” etc. And the screenwriter just throws those in here and there without any particular contextual attachment or logical reason.

Also, this is one of those movies that tick you off with the classic “but, hellooo, why don’t they just *****” (asterisks put in to avoid spoiling anything). It’s one of those things where you just hope that someone (without, in this case, knowing who the hell that someone would be) would kill the leading characters just because they act completely foolish and because you just want the thing to end.

Don’t watch it. I’ve seen much better movies here with a much lower rating. The high rating is entirely for the acting, which is really superb.

At the moment, I’m posting some old rants, reviews and the likes to my blog. Some of the stuff has just been lying around on different computers and desktops, some of it has been posted online, some has even been banned online (damn that dirty mouth of mine!), but whether it’s interesting or not, well… You be the judge

Here’s one I originally posted on IMDb on November 5, 2007. At the time of writing, it’s still there, but you never know when some “user” will take offense and call it “abuse”, so here it is again (note the 100% agreement ratio. Sure, it’s 2 of 2 people, but we know what that means: At least two people on this Earth besides me don’t deserve to be killed just yet):

With a tragedy as large as this, and a bucket-of-possible-plots as filled as this, it’s quite disturbing to see Oliver Stone hit the low-point of his entire career on this particular project.

With a mere fifth of the runtime away, we have our heroes in distress, with little to no character buildup been done to carry us through the last four-fifths of cinematic pain offering no kind of relation to the characters put on the screen.

It’s as if the story is so well-established already that the script writer sees no point in drawing out the basics, which is perfectly understandable as you’d have to be literally dead to not know a heck of a lot about 9/11, and that counts for Americans and Eskimos alike. What is disturbing is that Oliver Stone apparently sees no point in drawing out a story for us in which we get to know the characters on screen, either. The entire runtime seems to be wasted on emotional porn of such low quality that you start to wish for the people on screen to die soon so that the end credits will come and rescue you. You don’t know who they are, what they’re like, who they know, not even what their names are, and yet you’ve been staring at them for hours. The only thing letting you know that they’re “the good guys” is the ever-present string ensemble on the soundtrack playing fiddle for them all along.

This movie presents no story, no character buildup, no suspense, no action sequences (expecting to see the towers fall in state-of-the-art CGI wonder? Forget it, what you get are the shadow of a plane on the ground, and the sound of tower 2 falling, plus some rubble, that’s it), no nothing, really.

This movie is so superficial it’s impossible to say what it really wants to say, if anything. The problem is, it says nothing, and it takes more than two hours of it to accomplish that.

At the moment, I’m posting some old rants, reviews and the likes to my blog. Some of the stuff has just been lying around on different computers and desktops, some of it has been posted online, some has even been banned online (damn that dirty mouth of mine!), but whether it’s interesting or not, well… You be the judge

Here’s one I haven’t posted anywhere, and I kinda forgot that I wrote this, but I vaguely remember being seriously pissed about the movie’s level of crappiness. Even if the “review” is badly formulated and very obviously more an outburst of rage than anything else, I must agree with myself from past experience that Mel Gibson is no more capable as a director than he is is as an actor. Read, “He sucks.” Anyway, this is the rant:

A perfect example of a U.S. shitkicker deaf and blind to the values of any non-burger munching, Humvee-driving, bomb-dropping, guns-dont-kill-people-I-do culture (Mel Gibson) trying to make “wild people with bones through their noses” play out everyday cool-ass-worker-mom-and-sensitive-dad scenarios which leave your toes tied up in a hurting curl and your fists wanting to punch something out of shame for even watching something this ignorant. If not before, at eighteen minutes in, you know you MUST turn it off. So please do it, the crap won’t get any better, you know it won’t, and you don’t need anyone to tell you it will. Just turn it off and ask for your rental fee back.

On a side note, I’m pretty sure I didn’t get my rental fee back. Does The Pirate Bay do that anyway?

Well, I know this isn’t thedailywtf, but coming across this WTF, I just had to share it. Apparently, if you want to know the value of the auto_increment field value from your latest MySQL INSERT statement, you have to make sure you ask for it really quickly,

“Note: Because mysql_insert_id() acts on the last performed query, be sure to call mysql_insert_id() immediately after the query that generates the value.”

Well, I guess that’s one way to avoid a possible race condition… If you’re retarded

At the moment, I’m posting some old rants, reviews and the likes to my blog. Some of the stuff has just been lying around on different computers and desktops, some of it has been posted online, some has even been banned online (damn that dirty mouth of mine!), but whether it’s interesting or not, well… You be the judge

Here’s one I originally posted on IMDb on January 11, 2007. At the time of writing, it’s still there, but you never know when some “user” will take offense and call it “abuse”, so here it is again:

This is one of those movies that you need to run away from, fast! 2 fast! Actually, twice as fast as from the first one. I was once inspired by Lars von Trier, who said that if a movie didn’t “catch on” within the first 15 minutes, he’d leave the theatre/change the channel/whatever. I’ve been following that advice (good advice, indeed!). Yet, this one movie, I saw about five minutes (I missed the start credits), and wanted to destroy the television set. This has got to be one of the most crappy, stupid, lowest-denominator movies ever made. Want to watch the hottest girls ever get turned on by guys with no life but ugly, ugly cars with pre-teen addons in them? This is where to go. There’s no plot to be heard of. Nothing nowhere of interest. It’s like playing Need for Speed, only not funny. Christ.

At the moment, I’m posting some old rants, reviews and the likes to my blog. Some of the stuff has just been lying around on different computers and desktops, some of it has been posted online, some has even been banned online (damn that dirty mouth of mine!), but whether it’s interesting or not, well… You be the judge

Anyway, here’s one I originally posted on IMDb on November 15, 2007, and then again July 19, 2008, but which was on both occasions quickly deleted “based on an abuse report filed by another user”. Well, it sure is grumpy, but I have to disagree with the “abuse” part. This is it pretty much as it originally appeared on IMDb:

Putting aside some other reviewers’ expressed desire to watch the leading character die, and rebuttals from disagreeing parties in the forums, allow me to present you with an example of the pace of this movie. Scenario: Girl in car in dark woods at night, with the body of a murdered psychologist in the car, cuddled up in the seat, can’t get out, crazy murderer’s been doing stuff around the car to freak her out. Suddenly, a car horn is heard (other people making out in another car nearby):

*Honk*
Girl thinking, “what’s that?”
*Honk, honk*
“Was that a horn?”
*Honk, honk, honk*
“Better get up!”
*Honk, honk*
“No wait, I think I heard something!”
*Hooonk*
“Was that a horn?”
*Honk, honk*
“Oh my God, a car?!?”
*Honk, honk, honk*
“I think I better get up”
*Honk, honk*
Gets up, “Maybe there’s someone else in the forest?”
*Hoooonk*
“What was that?”
*Honk, honk*
“Is that a car?”
*Honk, honk*
“What’s that?”
*Hoooonk*
“Oh my God, I’m so scared!”
*Honk, honk, honk*
“Is that a car?”
*Honk, honk*
“What was that?!”

Every scene in this empty, empty movie goes on and on like this with inane and mind-numbing repetitiveness. The main character, Penny, is constantly crying or sobbing and completely incapable of doing anything on her own. The character build-up is only exactly adequate to set up the storyline, providing absolutely no insight to the inner workings of any of the characters, except perhaps that by the end of the movie we know that the murderer likes meat on a stick and Penny likes apples. To be honest, if it weren’t for the name of the movie, I’d have no clue what the name of the main character was. There’s only just about enough script material in this movie to make for a music video for a typical, two-and-a-half minute Beatles track.

Just to remove all doubt, consider this stupendously dumb scene, in which a guy actually stumbles upon Penny inside the car stuck between two trees. He flashes a light inside the car, on Penny and the dead psychologist, now in the backseat, and Penny begs for his help so that she can get out and escape “the attacker that killed Orianna”, the psychologist in the backseat. The could-be savior walks around in front of the car, flashing his light here and there, scratching his head, before returning to the side window stating that he can’t help, the car’s stuck, he’ll need to get some help. Now, as admirable and honorable being a law-abiding citizen may be, I think we would all agree that no judge would send a guy to jail for picking up a stone from the ground and bashing in a window on an old BMW to save a girl from a psychopath killer who’s already done away with a lady in the backseat. But maybe the “savior” is simply retarded or deaf. In either case, when Penny responds to his surprising statement with, “No, please don’t, he’s gonna kill me!”, the dumbfounded guy, startled, gasps, “What? Who?”. Well, my dear friend, perhaps the same guy that she told you about just 20 seconds ago, the guy who left the corpse that you examined with your flashlight, the lady in the back, you know? You know, she said, “Please, please, he’s out there somewhere, you have to help me”, then you said, “Wh-who? Who’s out here?”, then she said, “The attacker, he killed Orianna”, and then you turned around, startled, making sure he was not behind you. Remember that? Maybe that’s the guy she’s talking about now, 20 seconds later.

The wonderful charisma of Mimi Rogers and the impressive acting of an ever-sobbing Rachel Miner, considering the terrible wreck of a script, are the only positive things about this marvelously crappy 1-and-a-half hour time stealer.

This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. For a decade and counting, Braveheart has been the vilest, crappiest showoff ever seen in my life. But no longer.

Transformers don’t even come close to this experience. It’s the most idiotic, dumb, retarded and disrespectful piece of filth I have ever seen. If terrorists ever needed a reason to attack the West, this is it. Being somehow part of creating this thing, I feel I deserve to die. But, somehow, I more feel like strapping on 600 pounds of C4 and blowing all of Hollywood to hell.

Michael Bay has the intelligence of a piece of feces from a feces-eating retarded monkey. If this guy ever makes a Transformers II, I’ll use my savings to buy a ticket to the US, and fucking kill this retard with my bare hands.

The fact that this thing has a 7.5 rating on IMDB bares witness that there’s strange filth on this Earth that needs to be put down and put to sleep. These people are manure at best.